RACCOONS ARE EATING MY CHILDREN?

HOLY **** WHAT THE BEEP. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. OKAY SO EVERYDAY WHEN I GET HOME FROM MY JOB AS A BURGER FLIPPER AT DENNYS, I COME INSIDE AND THERES ALWAYS SOME DISASTER HAPPENING WITH MY 13 CHILDREN. (I USED TO HAVE 15 BUT ONE DAY I GOT STUCK IN A MEETING AFTER WORK). WELL TODAY WHEN I CAME HOME, I CALLED FOR MY CHILDREN, AND I HEARD NOTHING. I THEN WENT TO THE BACK YARD AND SAW THAT ALL OF MY KIDS WERE GETTING EATEN BY THOSE DAMN RACCOONS! WHAT DO I DO??? PEST CONTROL WILL NOT BELIEVE ME, AND THE POLICE OFFICERS KEEP HANGING UP ON ME. ANY SUGGESTSIONS HELP. THX BIBI LUV YHU